oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
