Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
