Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
