my room smells like sperm. sweet.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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