WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
