Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
