i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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