And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
