My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
