my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
