Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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