Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
