Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
