i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
