even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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