Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
