Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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