When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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