My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
