As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
