Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Randomize
