My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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