16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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