I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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