She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
