I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
