DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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