Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
