new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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