And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
What a dumb baby whore.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
