She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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