our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
