I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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