we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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