Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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