Cold hands, warm shart.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
