I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
