he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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