I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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