I wanna bring you to show and tell
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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