It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
