I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
