awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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