I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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