Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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