Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
