I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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