I look better un-naked...
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
