Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
