if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
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