I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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