My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
