Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
We're too hungover to prance.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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