people are starting to question the shark bite story
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
