So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
