Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
