Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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