So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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