You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I have fence marks all over my body
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
