haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
