Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
