Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
