haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
