my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
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