I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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